Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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