Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
