i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
