it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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