I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
