I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
