Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
