i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
