WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
