you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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