Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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