He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
