Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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