so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Randomize
