You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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