This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
