I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
