I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize