That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
