i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
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