Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
