you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
