Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I think my fart just growled at me.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
