Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
