I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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