WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
