if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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