he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize