Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
