i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize