That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
