if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
