Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Randomize
