You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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