I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
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