i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
