Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
