I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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