Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
