i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
