I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
She said her name was "party"
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
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