Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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