I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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