First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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