I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I have feelings that need drinking.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Randomize
