I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Randomize
