I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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