I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
