Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
