I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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