My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
