You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
