I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
please come you make the beer taste better
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
