I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
