my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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