can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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