When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
