Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Randomize
