At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
