I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
