I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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