im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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