I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
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